Ode to all the Bride’s To Be

From the get go, women are subjected to images of the perfect white wedding day. As little girls we are bombarded with movies, fairy tales, magazines and tales from our parents about this momentous day. There is laughter, excitement, support from everywhere, and the whole thing is just bloody marvelous! The bride gets to sit back and get pampered, the bridesmaids flitter about like those helpful little birds in Snow White and the guests in attendance are so wrapped to be considered they are simply spilling over with appreciation and well wishes.

BUT, Brides To Be, beware of those crushing misconceptions and high expectations that are in store for you. If you are like me and have decided to plan your own wedding then read my wisdom people! Planning a wedding sucks!

BRIDESMAIDS

We all have those moments with our BFF when we’re at a slumber party and we gush about choosing them for our Maid of Honor etc. etc. Blah blah blah. Back then it is so exciting and a complete, actual honor! When we grow up we may find our friendship circles have changed, hence our bridesmaid choices will have also. The image of the perfect bridesmaid is someone who cries when asked to be in your bridal party, is there with reassuring kind words at all times, is constantly asking if they can do anything to help, and then help anyway when told ‘no’. A perfect bridesmaid will ‘scrub up alright’ for photos (but not to outshine the bride), not be too large, and will gladly spring for a nice tan, dress, hair, makeup and nails for the big day. However, your friend options at the time will greatly effect your choices in the planning stages. Here are some tips when choosing your perfect bridesmaids:

1. Don’t choose family members unless you can legitimately say that they are your best friend, above all others! If you choose one then there is an unwritten rule that you have to ask the others. There is always the assumption that if one sibling is asked then the others will be and if they aren’t then you are guaranteed to let someone down.
2. Who cares if there will be uneven numbers on each side!!! Seriously, only ask the people you 100% couldn’t imagine NOT being up there with you. Don’t ask an extra just to make the numbers match, and don’t ask an excessive number because that is a reflection of one of the following:
   1. You are indecisive and too kind and don’t want anyone’s feelings hurt. Tread on a few toes, it’s your day after all! Or..
   2. You are a rich bastard and can afford to pay for the extra costs associated with an epic bridal party (Hair, Makeup, Dresses, Shoes, Gifts, Transport, etc.)
3. Have realistic expectations of your friends. Unless you always go on little dinner dates, spa days and weekends away then the chances are your friends are not going to start arranging these things for you now just because you are getting hitched. They have lives and bills too! so before you turn bridezilla on their arses just check your expectations aren’t too high.
4. Do you need or want bridesmaids? Sometimes simple is best, so maybe consider just having a maid of honor or no bridesmaids even! There is nothing wrong with deciding to keep it really small and chances are the fewer there are the more honored they will feel to have made the cut. Are you having so many because that’s the ‘norm’ or do you really need the extra pair of hands to get you through to the big day. Remember, bridesmaids were traditionally used as a distraction from bride-stealers! Bridesmaids were dressed exactly the same as the bride so any rowdy men who might want to steal her would not be able to tell which one she was until it was too late. If none of your bridesmaids are willing to be a distraction for a sword-wielding womanizer while you marry your spouse then drop them.

THE GUEST LIST

Without a doubt, this is the hardest part of planning a wedding! Of course we would love to see our beloved second-cousin thrice removed, Bo Bo, attend our special day, but come on… If we invited everyone we like then you may be paying off your wedding for the next ten years. Please, follow these tips when writing and inviting!

1. Make it clear to everyone closely associated with the wedding (whether they paid for some/all of it or not) that you ARE NOT TAKING SUGGESTIONS and yourself and the groom are THE ONLY ONES PERMITTED TO INVITE PEOPLE. I couldn’t believe the amount of people we had coming to us and saying “Oh, well you have to invite so and so!” Remember, it is your day, not a day for long-lost friends and family to be reunited after tonnes of missed reunions. Everyone invited is there because you want them there. There may be the exception here with certain partners of people. But my advice here would be to ask the invitee whether or not they want their partner to come. If they don’t then there’s no love lost, if they do then at least you can make your friend/family happier to enjoy your day.
2. Small children… This is a mega issue for some brides and grooms! Really simple here, write directly on the invitation the names of all the people you actually want at your wedding, no matter the age. If you are going down the path of ‘no babies/infants allowed’ then make sure you have that written in a cutsie way somewhere on the invitation. Never let people assume anything, always be clear on your invitations. You don’t have to justify yourself either! If you don’t want a screaming new born or terrible toddler ruining your $20, 000 event then you have every right to not invite them. You only get to do this day once with your special man and sooking baby noises can’t be put on mute. Most parents would understand that and even welcome a night away from the drool and diapers but you are going to get the occasional one who makes things difficult. It is your day, and if they threaten not to come because little Sammy isn’t allowed then that’s a choice they have made. Be understanding and don’t make them feel bad about that choice (at least not to their face!). They must know deep down that they have let you down anyway.
3. Budget, Budget, Budget!!! Most professional wedding planners suggest that you know your limit before writing a guest list. This makes perfect sense! But on that, think of your guests as hungry mouths to feed. It sounds rough but it is the best way to cut those ‘on the fencers’. If you are paying for everyone’s food and or drink you need to ask yourself this question “Do I really want to spend $90 on this person?” If the answer is yes then send that invitation straight away! If you have to think about it any longer than 5 seconds then give them the flick! Some people are just not worth it!

PINTEREST

If you are like me then you have had the misfortune to stumble across this form of social media for the savvy and crafty. Basically, you can type in anything, say ‘wedding theme ideas’ and it comes up with thousands of pictures other ‘pinners’ have put on the site. Don’t get me wrong, it is absolutely brilliant if you need ideas when you are starting to plan. You can quickly decide what you like/dislike and that gives you a great starting point. But beware…. Pinterest can set UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS upon yourself AND your budget.

I have a wedding board on Pinterest with all my lovely perfect wedding hopes and dreams. What I actually have to show for it is a lot of hit and miss craft items and a wilting bank account. I managed to do a few things decoration wise but other than that my wedding overall will not be ‘Pinterest Worthy’. I am happy with how I have styled it, and I guess others will be too, but I definitely won’t be uploading any pictures to ‘inspire’ others. Moral of the story: Pinterest is fabulous if you have $40,000 + to spend on a wedding. Otherwise, what most vendors offer will usually be a lot cheaper than you DIYing. PLUS, if you hire you won’t be stuck with 100+ hessian chair ties and multiple light branches afterwards!

YOUR EXPECTATIONS

OK, so it is your (and Mr’s) wedding. It is perhaps the only day you can kind of get away with everything being completely about you. But what about the before part? Are Brides To Be allowed to make everything pre-wedding about themselves? What about the people that play a part on the day? Should you expect as much of them in the months preceding the nuptials? The answers to both those questions are No and No.

As mentioned earlier before, people in a wedding have lives to get on with beforehand and they can’t put everything on hold for you all the time. If you are super lucky then you may have one or two friends/family that want to be involved as much as possible, which is a luxury! BTB’s, this is not the norm, nor is it typical or expected. If you are finding yourself doing it alone a lot of the time, that is normal! It is your wedding after all! Life is not like the movies where your girlfriends flock to you as soon as that diamond goes on and become inseparable from you until the wedding day. All that rock means is that a selected few of your friends have some things expected of them ON THE DAY. If this doesn’t work for you then you have two options:

• Do it ALL by yourself. That old adage “If you want the job done properly, you may as well do it yourself” couldn’t be truer. If you are a perfectionist with exceedingly high expectations then can the bridesmaids all together and go it alone. The the only person that can disappoint you is yourself. Or..
• Make sure the people in your bridal party are aware of ALL YOUR EXPECTATIONS BEFORE they say yes to being involved. That way if you are upfront about your Bridezillaness then people should get things done before you crack the sads, knowing what will happen if they don’t.

Being a BTB is stressful, difficult, emotional, exhilarating, frustrating, rewarding, exhausting and many other adjectives that I won’t bore you with. As I am yet to be wed (soon though!) I can’t say for sure that planning your own wedding is worth it. But it has definitely been a learning curve and I have learnt so many things about my family, friends and myself that I didn’t know before. Some people have this innate ability to shit you to tears constantly, whereas others can turn the bleakest BTB day into something absolutely fabulous. Just hang in there and remember that it is ultimately you and your partner’s day and you don’t have anything to prove or declare but your love for each other. That, at the end of the day, is what is most important; not how even your bridal party is or the $200 Pinterest-worthy centerpieces.

Goodluck!

10 Reasons Bananas Suck… (Pun Intended)

Bananas are perhaps one of the most gross and inappropriate fruits out there. Let me tell you why..

10: Their texture bares a close resemblance to boogers.

9: They can so easily be taken out of context.

Ohhhh, it was about a bat..!

8: They actually have an anus…

7: You can’t have a conversation with someone who is eating a banana..

 See….

6: They have something to hide with that peel.

 

5: They are so much hard work..

But the alternative is weird.

4: A study (conducted by me) has shown that people (one person) find their very name too evil to speak of!

3: They have the ‘freebies’ you don’t want…

2: The school system has ruined them for us forever.

And Finalllllly!

1: NO ONE, no matter age, gender or species, can eat a banana with innocence.

    

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,500 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 58 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

You ain’t messin’ wit no Bridezilla: Part Two

Just when you thought planning your nuptials couldn’t get anymore stressful I have served up some more big, fat reality on a plate for you to digest!

The Best Man

Aah, one of the most important roles in your wedding will be performed by the best man. He must be eloquent for his speech, relatively sensible if you are to get your fiancé back in one piece after the bucks and one whom you would feel comfortable leaving your single friends with. A lot of responsibility this man will be required to shoulder with dignity, trust and honour. For if any man should need help in protecting the bride from wife-stealers…

Hang on a minute! Wife stealers?…

Why yes. Back in the day the best man would actually be called a bride-knight and his responsibilities would be to assist in the capture of a new wifey for his mate or to help protect his mate’s new wifey against other single men. The “bride-knight” would typically be the best swordsman and this is where we get the modern title. Iiiiiiiiiiinteresting!

Giving Away the Bride

Fathers everywhere are chuffed as guts to walk their precious little Princess down the aisle on their wedding day. Said Princesses are often equally as stoked to receive such a high honour from their Fathers who were most likely absent and distant when they were growing up but have cleared their schedule for this auspicious day. Pride, joy and money and often things thrown around on a wedding day but if you were living in not so distant times money would be the key word here.

Now we are not talking about Daddy splashing big bucks on those rare orchid arrangements for his little Blossom Cakes. Nor are we talking about the bride spending exorbitant $$ (dollar signs 😉 ) on her big day. What we are saying is if your Papa walked you down the isle it wouldn’t be for joy, or pride as a matter of fact… You, the bride, the beloved daughter, the apple of your father’s eye, WOULD BE THE MONEY. Yep, sorry to all you feminists out there but having your Patriarch walk you down the isle of doom is a not so outdated way of saying “Here, have my daughter in exchange for that gambling debt I racked up in Rio last year, that new title of Lord I want so much and to keep the Yarra Yarra Bilbo Baggins tribe from invading my home and stealing anymore of my daughters. She is young, supple and is sure to produce many offspring for your son in the future.” We all love to think we are so modern and individual thinkers but this tradition sucks big time.

Throwing Rice

Not a hugely humorous one but the throwing of rice at newly-wed couples is meant to symbolize prosperity, fertility and good fortune. Duh! Makes sense, rice being a grain and all… BTW, birds do not explode or swell up and die from eating uncooked rice.. So if you like the idea of being pricked in the face, eyes, neck and arms by a starchy meal then go for it. Your guests probably won’t slip and fall on it… Hopefully.

The Wedding Cake and Freezing Leftovers

We’ve all seen it, the cringe-worthy, $300 make-up ruining, unromantic, cake face-smashing. Blerk. Probably one of the most ridiculous things to occur at a reception by far! But why? Why do the bride and groom feel the need to unceremoniously feed each other wedding cake and miss every time!? Well it used to be that the groom would break a loaf of bread over wifey’s head and cover her in crumbs to show his dominance over her. Guests would then scramble for the crumbs as they were thought to be good luck! Overtime, cake became the new bread and because cake doesn’t really break neatly in two the bride would cut the cake up into tiny morsels, pass the pieces through her wedding ring and give to guests for luck instead.

One day, some forward thinking bride said “Enough! I’d rather not smoosh cake through my ring 100 times over” and thus the tradition evolved further into each guests receiving a slice of cake to take home. But wait, not to eat! To put under their pillows…. for luck! Some days after that a woman must have said “Enough! I am tired of cleaning cake out of the linen! Why don’t we just eat the cake instead for luck!?” This radical idea of eating cake must have spread like wildfire because that’s what we do today!

But then, many days in the future, some new age, bright-spark of an idiot couple must have said “Enough! I am sick of you all just eating cake in merriment. Why don’t we throw ourselves back a few hundred years and revert back to the crumb-shaming of the dark ages using cake face-smashing as a symbol of the “equality” in our marriage.” Well done, Human Race. You really showed the traditionalists there……

As for this “tradition” of keeping some cake in the freezer and eating it on your 1st wedding anniversary.. Well wedding cakes are generally big and expensive. They need to be to feed all of the guests, which can be plentiful if you are precious about hurting people’s feelings who you haven’t spoken to in 5 years.. Now this idea of enormous, pricey cakes has not changed much throughout history. Food like cake is a luxury and in older times you would work hard for the little money you earned. Thus luxury items would be treasured and the most would be made out of every little crumb. So, any leftovers would be stored for later use, and this was usually for the baby’s christening (which would come shortly after a blessed union, 9 months; no more and definitely no less!). If you ask me, eating anything out of the freezer that has been in there for a year is vomit worthy, so this in one tradition I will NOT be including!

Tin Cans on Wedding Car

Funnily enough, this tradition reflects the earlier days of wife-stealing! The groom would steal away his new wife, thus taking any other local boys’ chances of being with her. These duped boys would then go to the grooms house on the night of the wedding and bang pots and pans together until the groom reappeared in full wedding kit to recompense them with party favours or a feast. Clearly this would get a tad annoying as getting re-clothed around your newly naked wife would be the last thing a male would want to do. This tradition has remained, minus the wife-stealing, pots and pans and midnight feasts. Notice how it is usually the groomsmen who do the tin can tying? Feeling ripped off anyone?

The Gifts/The Expense

How much is too much? It is a question every bride to be will ask herself, fiancé, and Daddy if she’s spoiled enough. I say if you can’t afford it by saving your cash over whatever time frame then it IS TOO MUCH. These are wise words, Ladies. Don’t be complaining about your epic loan repayments down the track. Did you really need that $10, 000 dress? Did you? Really?… Expensive weddings are something that our consumerist society have produced. Typical weddings in times gone by before us were usually a hoedown in the barn or whatever equivalent. It was only the Lords and Ladies that could afford a more grand affair.

Now gifts are an interesting topic. They are almost taboo to talk about but what the hell, I’ll go there! Gifts are expected , that’s right, (I said it!) at weddings today. Throughout history there is plenty of evidence to say that it has been occurring throughout history. Gifts are often criticized for their quality and therefore the gift-giver is also criticized so people generally don’t stinge out in that respect. But because gifts are expected the wedding event itself has to be worth the gift giver’s time and reflect the quality of their gift. So begins a vicious circle of extravagance and empty wallets.

The Honeymoon

We have mentioned bride stealing already and the honeymoon is another wedding tradition which has lasted the ages stemming from this barbaric action. When a bride was stolen the newly married couple would go into hiding for 1 moon, or 30 days. This would be to safely consummate the marriage, and hopefully impregnate her, whilst also giving any upset parties time to cool down. The groom’s family would know this hiding spot and would bring the couple honeyed wine everyday. Therefore, Honeymoon is born! Of course there is less wife stealing and more wine drinking in modern day post-marital holidays!

 

Well that ends my wedding traditions expose, for now. Just a heads up to all my gals out there, I am a stickler for tradition, so if your wedding doesn’t have any sword-wielding groomsmen, pot-banging, herb bouquets, bride-crumbing or matching bride and bridesmaid outfits then I am pretty sure I am busy on the day of your wedding… Man, you gotta do it right! Or not at all… 😉

You ain’t messin’ wit no Bridezilla: Part One

OMG guys!

I’m getting hitched!

For any woman out there, their wedding day is perhaps one of the biggest, most important events of their lives. Oh, and whoever says they haven’t ever thought about their wedding day is a liar! It is safe to say that I am pretty excited for this day and the planning has started with gusto! But you can forget about the white taffeta vomit-fest and going broke just so people can come and eat, drink and puke up the $150 feast I just put on for them.

I am a historical realist. I understand that everything has an origin and I will not fall victim to the glamorised, traditional mess that everyone thinks makes up the backbone of a wedding.

So to assist the excited, and perhaps ignorant brides-to-be out there I have done some research and will now present you with the facts behind that pretty peonies bouquet and crisp white wedding dress that you have dreamt about since you were 6 years old and playing with Barbie.

The White Wedding Dress

White, purity, virginal…. As if! Now I understand that there may be women out there who hold off on getting down until their wedding night, but you can stop fooling yourselves that a white wedding dress is a signal to all onlookers that you are not a whore. This idea of a wedding dress having to be white does not actually have a long historical connection. Before Queen Victoria’s reign wedding dresses simply used to be the best piece of clothing a woman owned at the time, be it black, green, grey or cowdung stanied. It wasn’t until ol’ Vic’s marriage to her darling cousin, Albert (that’s right, cousin) in 1840 that white dresses became the latest craze. I guess if it’s good enough for royalty it’s good enough for everyone. In Eastern cultures red is the choice of most brides as it is the colour of goodluck and auspiciousness. So technically, if you choose to don the colour of the devil on your big day just say you’re respecting Eastern tradition and you’re all good with the big guy upstairs! 😉

The Bridal Veil

We’ve all seen those hideous lace monstrosities that not only make you look 5 times older but would also make for difficult eating, dancing and taming in wild wind gusts. I myself am choosing not to wear one on my big day, partly because they look stupid but mainly because I don’t like what they represent in history. The veil had many purposes in older times. It was an elegant modesty flap, a barrier to ward off evil and to also protect the girl underneath from bad magic and evil spirits. I too am at a loss to understand how a wispy piece of cloth can keep out the likes of Casper and other things that go bump in the night but hey, witches and demon worshippers are a different kinda crowd these days, quite pleasant actually.. The most revolting part of the veil’s history is that it was used to trick the groom into marrying the hideous pock-scarred woman underneath. You would most likely not see your husband to be until your wedding day and wearing a veil right up until it is too late to take back your vowels would either make for a pretty awkward moment or the best surprise ever.

“You may now kiss the bride” (Groom lifts veil. A woman screams, someone pukes, girl passes out in puke pile. Chaos ensues.) “Haha, gotcha! You are actually marrying Donatella Versace today! Booyeah!”

The Bouquet

You may be thinking about how beautiful your traditional wedding bouquet is going to be. How the roses will perfectly compliment your crisp, white gown while delicately emmitting a sweet, soft aroma… WRONG! If you want to be really traditional you’d better raid the veggie garden! Brides used to carry garlic and dill down the isle in an attepmt to stay alive from the plague. Flowers were also used as a masking agent for bad B.O. Well if you only bathed once a month you’d be clutching something that wouldn’t make your groom barf in his mouth too! Only in more recent times have bouquets come to represent something other than adding deeper flavour into your meals. So women, calm yourselves! If I don’t place a huge importance on my floral arranegements then it’s because I have my reasons! (Also, I may have my eyes on a wicked pair of shoes and need all the extra dosh I can save 😉 )

The Garter

Something used to hold up stockings… or something with a much deeper meaning?…… Nope! Garters have traditionally been used to hold up stockings before pantyhose were invented. The fact they are still used in weddings today is no longer because of loose stockings, as you will see below.

Garter and Bouquet Toss

In older, not wiser times, the bride and groom would have to consummate their marriage in order for it to be legal. People rarely married for love but instead for wealth, status or political reasons. If a marriage was not consummated then there could be a divorce and this could potentially mean the loss of great fortunes, poverty or war. The Bedding Ceremony was a big deal and the bride became a symbol of goodluck. People would often swamp the bride and tear at her gown in order to score themselves a piece of her dress. This obviously became quite an issue for the bride and some wise soul came up with the idea of throwing something at the hungry masses in order to distract them and make their escape less traumatic. This is where we get the bouquet toss from. The garter was thrown right before the “deed” to prove to people (who weren’t lucky enough to be in the carnal room!) that the bride was soon to be de-flowered. Yuck! Over time it has evolved into flowers for the girls, garter for the boys; an attempt to even out the odds. It has further come to mean that whoever catches these things will be the next single to get hitched. For chicks, flowers are generally a nice thing to aquire, but for men, if you consider catching and keeping your mate’s wife’s undergarments then sorry, you are one freaky freak!

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue

“Very superstitiouuuuuuussss, writings on the waaaaaallllll!” Thank you Stevie! He wasn’t the only superstitious one! Back in Victorian times when Ring-a-ring-a-rosey meant dying of the plague, this wedding rhyme also had superstitious conotations. If a bride possessed all 4 of these items it would just make her the luckiest darn girl ever! The old was meant to remind her of her family and past (I guess just incase her hubby got sick of her and had to return her!). The new item symbolised her position as a piece of property in her new family (yep, property!). The borrowed item was meant to come from someo one already married to “pass on the goodluck.” Finally, something blue was completely boring and stood for the bride’s purity, faithfulness and loyalty. If you had to pick the most out-dated practice still used in weddings, this would be it!

The Bridesmaids

Getting hitched is potentially one of the best ways to humiliate your single friends. Not only can you put it to them that you will no longer have to fight over man scraps on a night out in the desperate hope that one of them will be your beau but you can also dress them in some hideous, satin, body-clinging monstrocity in an off puke colour! Thus rendering them undesirable to anybody for the rest of the night. You, shining in your crisp, custom-made wedding dress will stand out from the crowd, all eyes will be on you, yourself and I. BUT traditionally, bridesmaids existed to camouflage the bride. They would actually wear the same thing as the bride in an attempt to put off bandits and evil men who might be up for some bride-stealing! Say goodbye to individuality and hello to uniformity! Over time, as wife-stealing has decreased, this tradition has evolved but still keeps the bridesmaids wearing the same! Interesting, huh!?

 

Stay tuned for Part Two for more weird and wonderful mistruths!!

 

Peace Out!

 

Please, Sir, may I have some Gore??

If you are a feminist then you had better not read any further! You will not like what I am going to say… But it has to be said! Sorry, Chickas, but you have ruined the movie industry forever!!

There is perhaps nothing I enjoy more than kicking back with my pizza and beer and watching a good old horror or thriller. Zombies, Ghosts, Aliens, Psychos and Mutants; throw anything at me and I will endeavor to be terrified and maybe a little bit amused at the same time. I love it all, until…

They include a love interest!??

There is nothing more confusing than watching Brad Pitt acting all awkward, DURING THE F-ING ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE, towards a random female soldier just so the women viewers of the world can place themselves in her shoes and “get their rocks off!”

“Oooh, I would totally love to be attacked by creepy zombies and be in fear for my life on a daily basis just so I could lose a limb and be looked after by Braddles.”

F.F.S. Ladies! Pull yourselves together!

OK, so that may not be what all women want, but it is what script writers and movie producers think we want! A movie can’t possibly be enjoyed by the fairer sex unless there is kissing, awkward flirting and badly acted sex scenes!!.. Could it?..

Let’s reflect.

Iron Man: Awesome movie that definitely does not need the distraction of Gwyneth Paltrow for chicks to enjoy it.

Jurassic Park: Love Sam Neil but seriously, that stupid, dramatic, blonde bitch? Umm, hello!? Dinosaurs!… Need I say more?

Titanic: An epic retelling of a tragedy polluted with crappy romance THAT IS FICTIONAL.

Independence Day: Any Earth invasion movie is still wicked minus the mushy love crap!

Great movies are regularly ruined by ‘What Women Want” and don’t even get me started on that movie. Who the hell wants a man to be able to read our minds all the time?! Ladies, am I right!?

I would much rather see a bloke make out with a chainsaw than watch how his crush on a high school sweetheart slowly blossoms into an epic love whilst they are lost in space battling mutant bugs. Minus the love you would have a winning screenplay on your hands!

One movie that did get it right was Paranormal Activities. Clearly the couple were in love and you could see their commitment to one another when, BHAM! He’s dead and she’s possessed by a crazy. witch-loving demon! Boo-Yeah! Movie Gold right there!

So please, to all the girly, love-crazed maniacs out there, if you want a love story stay out of the horror section. You are ruining it for the normal, gore-loving, well-adjusted individuals out there!

Peace Out!

People Say the Darndest Things!

So my blog has been going for a good while now and it has overwhelmed me at the number of people that are reading it each day. Generally, people leave really encouraging comments which is excellent for any writer to recieve. My blog is accessible to everyone worldwide and topics and tags will lead people from general search engine terms to here! The marvels of technology! However, many people are unaware that I can actually see the search engine terms that have lead them down my literary path (pun intended) and I must say, I am very concerned about the populace!

I am going to share with you some of the terms people have typed into their browsers which has apparently lead them to my various blog posts. I must warn you, some of these terms may shock, repulse and question your very ethics! I also have no idea how some of them have been linked to my posts… As you will see soon! No word of a lie, people actually searched these!

Search engine terms on my blog:

–          Smart phones while pooping meme

–          F#@king in Kathmandu

–          Sexy men kitchen

–          Sexy men cooking

–          Blog surviving centrelink

–          Who was the hot goth chick in zoolander

–          Adult baby girl pic

–          Kitchen sex

–          F#@k off candy crush saga

–          Sexy chefs

–          Sexy men dick

–          Sex wearing a puffer jacket and cardigan

–          Bowing to your bdsm master

–          Fence head catwalk

–          13 year old piss

–          I want to have sex with a puffer jacket

–          Pissdrinking girl

–          Sexy guy drives a jeep

–          What the f#@k do the numbers on Kathmandu puffer jackets mean?

–          Pissdrinking+girl

–          F#@k candy crush

–          Boob pops playing candy crush

–          Why do people look at you when you’re wearing a puffer jacket?

–          F#@king in puffer vest

–          Sexy men getting f#@ked

–          Sexy men with dick

–          Gay sexy cleaner

–          25 year old confectionary

–          F#@k you girl

–          Bogan on a bus

–          Sexy man vacuum cleaner

–          Puffy jacket sex stories

I know, right!? What the hell, people! Clearly there are quite a few puffer jacket extremists out there! As for the bodily functions search terms… MY GOD PEOPLE! REALLY???

Man-opause

Being female means that mood swings come with the territory, BUT it also means that we are forever shackled to the assumption that just becasue we are having a bad day it MUST be because we are “PMS-ing”. Males tend to get away with being grumpy because they don’t have unbalanced hormones like us weak women, but I would like to go against the grain and put it out there that men actually do experience something similar to PMS, just without the bleeding and breast tenderness (actually, maybe with the last one afterall).

I will start by saying that I must be one of the lucky women out there who don’t suffer too bad from “Aunt Flow” symptoms. I can retain my mental state and will only lash out if people act really dumb around me (which happens ALL the time). I don’t become an emotional wrecking ball and bulldoze everything in my path just because my tummy is ‘a little sore’ nor do I feel the need to post updates about my menstural cycle on Facebook describing every excruciating detail in turn. To be fair, some women do actually have a rough time with their monthly visitor but what I am saying is that even they don’t feel the need to share this with the world. Sharing is not caring in this case!

Generally, my moods will be determined by the following criteria:

1. How stupid people are that day combined with my interaction with said people.

2. Whether or not I am having a fat/ugly/bad hair day.

3. And lastly, how successful I have been at candy crush that day…

If I have been affected by all three then people better take cover coz there be a bitch storm a comin’!

Men on the other hand are more predictable. Their daily moods can be determined by thus:

1. Whether or not they got sex last night.

2. If they are currently experiencing the man flu.

3. And lastly, whether or not they have had a snickers.

Whereas female reasons to be shitty with the World are generally justified, male reasons tend to be primal, baser reasons. Notice how when men get sick the World literally stops on its axis, but when women get sick they are still expected to cook, clean, work and play? That’s a whole different kettle of fish though!

My Mum has recently started going through menopause. Yes, it sucks but it is the natural progression of things! Her husband will not cut her any slack which is getting her all up in a fuss. It’s practially World War Menopause in the household. But what I have found amusing is that my Mum swears her hubby is being aweful because he too is suffering from menopause, or Man-opause! This theory is not actually scientifically proven but I think it would allow us to explain so many actions done by the male species in recent times! This theory would be great in politics for example!

“So, President Obama, why have you decied to withdraw U.S. troops from the Middle East?”

“Well uh, *sniffs* I just felt so *sniff* worried about them and just wanted to *blows nose* heeellppppp!”

PMS, Menopause and Man-opause. The circle of life!

What really grinds my emotional gears is when I am in a great mood but just happen to be enjoying the serenity of silence and all of a sudden someone asks

“Are you grumpy or something?”

Well I wasn’t actually but thanks to your assumptions you have got me real fired up! Nothing is wrong, I was just holding in an uncomfortable fart…

My Day at the Show… A Cautionary Tale

Recently I was subjected to one of the most terrifying/traumatising experiences of my adult life.

No wonder parents are dragging their kids along to these awful events while they are at their most malleable. It’s an attempt to soften them to the horror of such spectacles for when they have their own offspring and have to suffer through year after year of emotional blackmail and over-priced happiness.

Now I hear some of you saying “Gee! Tell us what you really think!” Maybe I am a tad over dramatic, but it was honestly such a horrid experience that I can safely say, without a doubt, that now having done it once I will never do it again.

Show Day can kiss. my. ass!

Living where I do it is normal for Show Day (which will now be referred to as S. Day ((Infer what you will about the “S”)) to be tererible weather wise. Always a black sky, winds howling, rain gushing from the sky. It is so common for the weather to be shite on S. Day that it is generally accepted that an umbrella, scarf and poncho will be the required attire for said outing. Call me a snob, but I could possibly think of about one thousand things I would rather do than walk around in the elements, in the mud, getting nudged, poked, yelled at, ripped off, fat and under-whelmed.

AND, to experience this pot of emotions it will only cost you $20! Bargain if you are into masochism. Bring on the pain and humiliation of the Show!!

I mean, who wouldn’t love walking through animal feces and mud going at 200mph (this is metres, not miles!) constantly being bumped into by obese parents dragging their needy children through the crowds in the attempt to get in and out of this horrific social mess and back to their homes where they aren’t charged $10 for a greasy hamburger that has been sitting in a booth for God knows how long and cooked by God knows who.

Ahh, the Show… Perhaps one of the biggest, most awkward social situations ever! I don’t understand how people gain enjoyment out of this event unless they are a seagull or 100% completely and utterly sloshed out of their minds! Seriously, I have mentioned this theory before, but when people flock together their individual IQs drop significantly. It is like people forget how to walk all of a sudden! Just like that there are crazy people walking straight at you or stopping in the middle of the throng of people just to have a squizz at the latest temporary tattoo stand.

Also you always get those over-enthusiastic stall operators who squeal and squark at you to throw a dart at a balloon like their retirement pension depends on recieving your whole $2 donation. Get back in your box with your stupid headphones and megaphones, people! If I wanted an overpriced toy I would be shopping online and it would be delivered in an inconspicuous, unlabelled plain package…

What perhaps gets to me most is when some parents justify attending this atrocity by saying that it is the only event during the year that their family can afford to go to… SERIOUSLY!? A family ticket will set a typical family back $50. Add to that a showbag for each child (and each adult, lets be honest. Even the big kids love opening that plastic bag full of cheap lollies and momentarily under-enjoyment), some hot chips, soft drinks and ride fares and this family excursion will cost roughly $200! There are hundreds of family activities that would cost way less and cause less anxiety than S. Day would!

So when your next Show Day or Festival rolls around stop and think. Hmmm, maybe I have better things to do than get spat on by alpacas and robbed blind by yahoos and hicks on the Dole…

Stay Smart! 😉

 

 

Twerking, and All That Jazz!

Well Miley has definitely managed to erase her “Hannah Montana” image, but at what cost!? Twerking has taken the world by grotesque storm and people of all ages are now imitating this crude and repulsive “dance” move.

However, this is not the only weird, wonderful and whacky fad to enter the digital stratosphere in recent times. Almost daily we are introduced to new things that are given their own made up name and replayed, copied and elaborated across the media. Gangnam Style has come and gone, followed by The Harlem Shake but it isn’t just dance moves that are creating celebrity anymore.

I shall share with you some of the strange and utterly ridiculous fads to hit our media markets in the hope to shame and scare you from replicating these in the future. BUT, like all digital things, me bringing these things to your attention may serve the opposite purpose But that is a risk I am going to take! Be strong! Resist the urge to be a slobbering media fad whore and DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME!!!

Planking:

We all saw the havoc this fad caused. People actually died doing this ridiculous action OF LYING DOWN in strange places. Next time you get the urge to have a fake nap on the nipple of a skyscraper, think again! You probably deserve to fall…

Derp:

This is just one of the new terms coined by today’s youth. It literally refers to someone who is stupid. Now who is stupider, the subject of this insult, or the creator… Funnily enough, it is actually a form of onomatopoeia too! Go figure!

Jorts:

Denim shorty shorts. Note to all parents out there, if I can see your 12 year olds vagina SO CAN ALL THE DIRTY PERVES OUT THERE!!!! And since when did shorts do the reversal? Shorts are meant to be short, yes. But one would think it is better to have them short at the back, rather than the front?… But hey, maybe I am an old fuddy duddy.

Phablet:

Smartphones are handy, yes. But these phablets serve the function of a phone but feel the need to be almost the same size as a tablet computer. Like I have said before, smart phones, stupider people. If I wanted my phone to do computer things I WOULD BUY A COMPUTER!!?? Am I right?! Am I right!?????

Emoji:

We all became accustomed to the plain old smiley and winky faces on electronic communications but now there are ones to suit YOUR EVERY MOOD. Not only can you tell the Facebook world that you are feeling sleepy but incase the words aren’t strong enough you can add a little face that looks sleepy. I’m sorry, but my friends aren’t  that stupid and don’t need picture clues to decipher my moods… And what the hell is up with the animal emojis now?? So now if you are feeling tired you can differentiate between whether you are human tired or cat tired…

Food-a-gram:

I have mentioned my hate for food pictures before. Hopefully mentioning it again will drive home the message. IF I’M NOT FUCKING EATING IT I DON’T CARE!!!

Legsie:

You’ve all heard of the selfie and even I am guilty of supplying the FB world with a couple, but legsies I will not indulge! People are now uploading pictures of their legs… It is meant to have some deep meaning such as the “wish you were here” sentiment, but I think seeing dismembered body parts on Facebook is kinda creepy! PLUS, it is the ultimate “Screw you guys. While you’re all slaving away in your cold, dank offices I am slacking off, sunning my creepy legs.” Next people will be uploading pictures of their cats mouths attached to a human face… Oh wait……

Bitstrips:

Need I say more!?